


The Fine Line That Separates

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, F/M, Gen, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-06-25
Updated: 1999-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-11 06:27:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11142756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: A blizzard, a bank robber, and the end of an engagement. This story is a sequel to"Since We Parted".





	The Fine Line That Separates

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

 

Ben & Phil Ch 14

Disclaimer: This story is written for the private entertainment of fans. The author makes no claims on the characters or their portrayal by the creation of this story. Fraser, Vecchio, et.al. belong to Alliance; the McKenzies and friends belong to me. No infringement of any copyrights held by CBS, Alliance, CTV, or any other copyright holders of DUE SOUTH is intended. This story is not published for profit, and the author does not give permission for this story to be reproduced for profit.

The Fine Line That Separates

By SL Haas

(Copyright February 1997 Revised June 1999)

January 1986

P

hil McKenzie curled in front of the fireplace and stared into the flames. The snow falling outside gently covered the deck with a blanket of white. The breath of winter kissed the exterior of her house, but inside, warmth pervaded--a warmth not only from the fire but from the memories she recalled so lovingly. One thought, though, consistently weighed her mind. Her fiancé, Constable Benton Fraser, RCMP, had not written her in almost two months. She was worried about this lack of correspondence from him. Although not as regular as Phil, he rarely let this much time go by without writing.

"Phil, you need to write this letter. You've delayed long enough."

"I know." Phil turned to regard the apparition that had joined her on the floor. Even after a year, she was still not used to the idea of talking to a spirit. (Both Phil and Caroline preferred the term spirit to ghost.) "I'm afraid of what Ben will say."

"That doesn't matter now, does it? He has a right to know. Why don't you give him a call? You know you would love to hear his voice." Caroline studied the woman sitting across from her. "He loves you, and that's all that is important. Trust him!"

Phil nodded. "You're right as always. What did I do before I met you?" She smiled ruefully into Caroline's blue eyes.

Caroline chuckled. "You managed just fine...now about that call?"

"I've tried to call him several times but he's either not at the post or he doesn't return my call. Maybe he's not getting my messages. I don't know...at least I know he'll get my letter." Phil absent-mindedly tugged on a lock of hair that had escaped her braid.

"Then why don't you write that letter that needs to be written?"

"I'm going to do it. See, I'm getting the paper..." She reached for her stationery.

"Thank you, Phil."

Phil glanced curiously at the woman. "For what?"

"For what you are giving my son...and what you have given me. No matter what happens in your future, Phil, you will always have me to watch over you."

"Thank you, Caroline. I sometimes wish you had been my mother, but then I realize if you were my mother then Ben would be my brother and then..." 

Caroline laughed and faded away.

Phil smiled at the spot that had previously been occupied by Caroline Fraser and began writing to the man they both loved.

**__**

My dearest T,

I haven't heard from you in several weeks. I hope this means that you're busy pursuing bad guys and not getting tired of writing me.

I miss you as always...

The letter continued discussing her classes and her research. She filled him in on the happenings with their friends. She paused; the next part was going to be the hardest she had ever written.

**__**

T, I've postponed telling you this as long as I can. I can't put this off any longer. When I returned home from the seminar, I brought with me something very special that you did not realize you gave me. Ben, this May you will become a father. I'm carrying your child.

I hesitated to tell you about this when I first found out. I don't want to tie you to me in this way, but you need to know.

I can feel our child moving inside me. Each flutter brings me closer to you. I need you and our child needs you in our lives.

Please, Ben, we've waited over a year. Haven't we waited long enough? When are we to be married? Please, T, let's set a date soon.

My brothers were not exactly pleased when they learned I was pregnant. However, they have come around to the idea of being uncles. I want to tell your family. I want to be with you.

She paused, fighting the tears that flowed freely, dropping onto her letter. She wiped off the paper and continued.

**__**

Ben, please, let me know your decision. If you won’t do this for me, at least think about your child.

Write to me soon or give me a call. I would love to hear your voice again.

All my love--Phil

She was not satisfied with the letter, but could think of nothing else to write. How could she pour out all her yearnings for Ben...how it tore her heart to be separated from him...how much she needed him...how could she write all that in a letter?

"Oh, Ben, please write to me soon." She bowed her head and gave into the tears that insisted on falling. Why did she have this feeling of dread? What if something had happened to him? No...she wouldn't think that. She hugged herself ever conscious of the unborn life she carried. She smiled as she imagined Ben's reaction to the news. She knew that Ben would send for her quickly once he learned of their child. Ben had taught her about patience but, still, it was hard to wait.

She stood, stretched, and wandered over to the patio door. She stared out across the meadow watching the snow whirl as the wind caught it and tossed it about. "I miss you, Ben."

* * *

The letter lay in the pocket of his tunic for more than a week. Each time he moved it made it's presence known. Finally, Ben removed it from his pocket and placed it on his desk. He propped his elbows on the desk and buried his face in his hands. What was he going to do? He had avoided Phil's calls by the simple expediency of not being present when they came. He had taken the messages but had not returned any of her calls. He didn't think he could tell her what he had to if he heard her voice. No it was better if he didn't talk to her at all.

The letter from Phil mocked him. He reached for it and slid his thumb under the flap. He paused, took a deep breath, and lay the letter back down. He drew a sheet of paper out of a drawer and began to write. He dreaded writing it, but he had delayed too long as it was.

**__**

Dearest Phil,

Please forgive me for what I'm about to do. I don't know how to tell you this except straight out. I'm sorry, Phil, but I've fallen in love with another woman.

I won't go into the details except to say that we were forced to spend several days together during a blizzard. She kept me alive. I would have died without her.

I still love you, Phil, but Victoria needs me more than you do. You'll get over me and find someone who truly deserves your love. I'm sorry I betrayed our love. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me. I couldn't help what happened--it just did.

I'm returning your last letter unopened. I think it's best we not correspond anymore. Please tell TJ and Rob I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you, Phil.

I'm sorry--Ben

Why did he feel so bad? He loved Victoria--she had become a part of him during that blizzard. Surely what he felt for her was love. Still, he was betraying Phil and her love. Why did he feel like he was making the biggest mistake of his life? Why couldn't it have been Phil he was trapped with and not Victoria? His feelings would make sense then. But nothing was right--he had rejected Phil and Victoria was in prison. He had lost both loves. He knew that his betrayal of Phil's love ran the deepest--that he had well and truly lost her. His only hope for love lay with Victoria—a woman he had turned over to the authorities for her part in a bank robbery. Maybe she could forgive him when she was released from prison.

"Phil, please forgive me for hurting you. I wish I had never met Victoria. I'm sorry!" He buried his face in his hands and fought to control the tears that burned his eyes.

* * *

Phil was overjoyed to finally receive the letter from Ben. This would surely contain welcome news. She hurried to her office for some privacy to read it. It was thicker than usual and she smiled in anticipation.

She settled at her desk and ripped the flap open. She removed a short note and her last letter--unopened. Fear struck at her heart. Had something happened to Ben? No, the handwriting on the envelope was his. She quickly opened the note and began reading. When she finished she sat there in shock and disbelief. She read the letter again. She felt her happiness die--her soul ripped in two. She laughed bitterly as she stared at the one page letter that had destroyed her life.

After what seemed like hours, but was actually only minutes, Phil called the department secretary. "Janice, I've...I've just received some bad news. I'm canceling my classes for the rest of the week. I hope to be back by Monday."

She called the airport and secured a ticket to Chicago, then drove home and packed a case. She was on her way to TJ and Rob before the afternoon had ended.

Rob had remained at Cook County Hospital after his residency had ended. He was interested in neurology and was studying with one of the specialists on the staff there. TJ had also settled in Chicago when he returned from France. He was an assistant curator at the Field Museum. It was convenient for Phil to have both her brothers living in the same city. Now, it was to their love and security she flew.

Phil took a taxi from O'Hare to her brothers' apartment. Rob would probably still be on duty at the hospital, but TJ should be home. She knocked on the door and waited. There was no answer. She knocked again. He wasn't home; no one was home. Phil checked her watch. It was nearly 10 p.m. Where were Rob and TJ? She turned to go. She would try the hospital--see if Rob was there--but by the time she reached the elevator, the stamina she had used to get her there drained away. She stumbled to a corner and slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor. She leaned her head back and gave into the exhaustion and despair that had threatened to claim her all day.

It was after midnight and Dr. Robert McKenzie hurried to get home. He hated working the evening shift, but even that was better than the graveyard shift. He didn't know what time TJ would be in. Those functions at the museum sometimes lasted into the wee hours of the morning. He yawned. The elevator seemed to crawl past each floor. Finally the doors opened and he hurried toward the door to their apartment. He tripped over a bag someone had carelessly left sitting in the middle of the hallway. Muttering to himself, he slid the offending case to the side of the hallway as he scanned both directions looking for a clue as to where it belonged. He saw the figure slumped in the corner. Approaching the woman, he went down on his knees. A sudden frisson of fear cut across him. He reached out his hand to brush the hair out of the face he was afraid to see. "Flip, dear Lord, what are you doing here?" he whispered. There was no answer. She was sound asleep.

Rob hurriedly unlocked the door, threw her case inside, and came back for Phil. He lifted her gently in his arms, trying not to awaken her, and carried her into the apartment. After laying her on his bed, he removed her coat and shoes and covered her with a quilt. After she was settled to his satisfaction, he retrieved his phone and moved to the kitchen area. He placed his call to TJ's pager, hoping that TJ would respond quickly.

Ten minutes past before the phone rang. "Rob? What's happened? You rarely call me here."

"I just got home and found Flip cratered in the hallway outside our door. How soon can you break away?"

"Give me half an hour. I'll try to make it in less."

"Just hurry!"

TJ make the trip in record time. He bent the speed limits and ran two red lights, mading it in just under 20 minutes. As soon as he opened the door, Rob motioned him to follow. They headed toward Rob's bedroom.

"What happened?" he whispered to Rob as they both stared down at their sleeping sister.

Rob whispered back, "I don't know. She hasn't awakened and I thought it best not to disturb her."

TJ nodded agreement, ran his fingers down Phil's cheek, and remarked, "She looks exhausted. I wonder what's happened?" The two brothers shared a look of worry then left Phil to rest.

Phil's sleep was not restive. It was marred by disjointed dreams bordering on nightmares. Over and over again she watched her life fall apart as a man with glacier blue eyes died, or disappeared, or simply turned away from her and left. Finally one particularly vivid dream sent her screaming for Ben. Rough hands on her shoulders shook her awake. She realized she had been dreaming and buried her face in TJ's shoulder. The tears she had denied herself finally came. 

TJ looked over Phil's head to Rob. There was panic and pain etched on both of their faces. TJ continued to rock Phil until her sobs slowed. She hiccuped and lay limp against his shoulder.

"Flip, what's wrong, honey? Tell us what's wrong? Has something happened to Ben?" Worry bordering on panic filled TJ's voice.

The mention of Ben's name brought the tears to Phil's eyes again. "No, Ben's fine. Nothing's happened to him." There was a bitter edge to her low voice.

"What's wrong, Flip. What's happened? What brings you here to us? Something's upset you and we only want to help. Please, Flip, we love you." Rob's voice was full of worry, "Has something happened to the baby?"

Phil shook her head. "My coat pocket...the letter." 

Rob dug through the closet for her coat. He was soon back, disbelief written on his face as he read the letter. The disbelief changed to anger. "I'll kill the bastard," he vowed through gritted teeth.

TJ reached for the note and read it also. He hugged Phil closer. "I'm so sorry, Phil. It's my fault--I should have stopped this when it first started."

Phil shook her head. "You couldn't have stopped it. I was already in love with him before you showed up, TJ."

"Does he know about the baby?" TJ asked, a steel edge to his voice.

She shook her head, "No...the _'unopened letter'_ he returned...I told him in that."

"Do you want us to contact him?" Rob asked as he settled onto the bed beside them.

"No...I'd rather die!" How could she face him and chance another rejection?

"Phil?" Anguish was plain in Rob's voice.

"I'm all right, I’ll be all right. The shock of it, I...I just ran home to my brothers. Just like I've always done when I was hurt. I'm sorry. I didn't meant to worry you, I just..."

"Shush, Flip. We're glad your here. We'll take care of you." TJ cradled her head against his chest and gently rocked her.

Rob, ever the practical doctor, asked, "Phil, would you let me check you over. Just to make sure everything's fine and the baby's okay?" 

Phil saw the concern in Rob's light blue eyes. She closed her eyes and nodded. Half an hour later, Rob told TJ and Phil that she was in good health and the baby was fine. 

"I told you I'm okay. You know me--strong as a horse. I can handle anything." Her normal husky voice was flat, dead.

"Except a broken heart!" Rob stated.

"What's that phrase you used to quote me-- _'This too shall pass._ ' I'll be okay. It's not as if we were married and getting a divorce. We really had nothing together except..." she remembered the nights of passion in Ben's arms, "...except this child." A lump settled in her throat, "I never thought our child would grow up without one of his parents. I didn't want my baby to go through what we both did."

"Flip, your child may not have a father but he or she will have two devoted uncles. Let **us** take Ben's place in your lives." Rob slipped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her tight.

Wiping a tear away with the back of her hand, she tremulously smiled at her brothers. "TJ, Rob, as much as I would like to be able to do that, I can't. This child **will** know who his father is and everything there is to know about Ben. I need you two to be just who you are--the two men I **know** will not desert me."

"You can count on us, Flip. Now, why don't you go back to bed and get some sleep. Together we can handle anything."

"Thanks, I love you both." She held out her hands to her brothers.

"We know that, Flip. We love you, too," TJ whispered before kissing the palm of her hand.

Sleep didn't come quickly or easily. As Phil lay on Rob's bed she thought she felt a hand smooth back the hair from her forehead. She imagined a kiss planted there _. ‘Ben, what did I do? Why did you leave me?’_

"You did nothing wrong, Phil. Ben is confused and doesn't know what to do." Caroline leaned over and stroked Phil's cheek. "Remember back to that first time we talked?" Phil nodded, her memories of that time were hazy. "I told you then that there would be obstacles that you would have to overcome. This is one of the 'big' ones."

"But, how can...he loves someone else. How can I overcome this 'obstacle.'" Phil pushed herself to a sitting position and buried her face in her hands.

"You can't--only the two of you can. If you **want** to overcome it. Trust Ben. Someday he **must** come to his senses."

"I don't need him someday. I need him now!" Phil spoke through her entwined fingers.

"I know, but sometimes we don't really know what we need. We have to trust a higher power to take care of us. I don't know how things will work out for you and my son; all I know is that you mustn't lose faith. Things will work out for the best for both of you."

* * *

May 1986

A recovery room--she was in a recovery room. Phil drifted slowly up out of the anesthesia to hear Rob say, "It's a girl, 7 lbs. 5 oz. She's beautiful, Flip." 

A girl--she had a daughter--Ben's daughter. A momentary cloud of longing saddened her. Ben should have been there for the birth of his daughter. But he wasn't. He would never be there for them. A tear rolled down her cheek to soak into the pillow under her head. Rob gently wiped it away then bent over and kissed her forehead. He held her hand and walked with her when she was finally wheeled to her room. TJ was already there waiting for her.

"She's beautiful, Flip. Just like her mother. How are you feeling?" TJ smiled besottedly.

"...tired and I want to see my daughter." Phil returned his smile although hers was more subdued.

"I'll take care of that." Rob left to arrange for his niece to be brought to Phil.

"I'm glad you decided to have your baby here in Chicago." TJ gently smiled down at his sister.

"Where else would I go. This is where you and Rob are. You're my family." Ben should have been here, too, but he wasn't--would never be.

Rob returned followed by a nurse who handed a small bundle to Phil. She felt the tears well up in her eyes again and spill over to run down her cheeks. Her tiny daughter yawned and looked up at Phil with the beautiful glacier blue eyes of her father.

"She's beautiful, Flip. And, believe me, I've seen my share of babies." Rob was as proud as any man could be. Both brothers donned hospital gowns and took turns holding their tiny niece.

The nurse soon returned and pulled a chair up next to Phil's bed. "if you feel up to it, we need to complete the paperwork to get your daughter's birth certificate completed." Phil assented, all the while watching TJ and Rob coo over her baby. "Mother's full name?"

"Philippe Henry Sheridan McKenzie." Phil was distracted by Rob and TJ and smiled wanly at the fuss they were making over their niece. It should have been Ben making the fuss over his daughter.

"And...Dr. McKenzie is the father?" The nurse glanced at Rob. He was considered a most eligible bachelor. Was this woman his wife? Both brothers turned to the nurse at that question. They traded glances then shook their heads and shared a goofy grin.

Phil chuckled. "No, neither Dr. Rob McKenzie nor Dr. Tom McKenzie is the father. These two lovable idiots are my brothers." She smiled at them.

The nurse looked at the three of them feeling the love shared by the trio. _'That baby is very lucky,'_ she thought. "All right, father's full name?"

"Benton Robert Fraser." Just saying his name brought added ache to her heart.

"And have you decided on a name for your daughter?"

"Melinda Caroline Fraser--after her grandmothers." And it was in this manner that Lindy Fraser made her entrance into the world.

One month later, Phil placed a picture of Lindy and a copy of her birth certificate in an envelope and mailed it to Ben. A week later the letter came back-- ** _RETURN TO SENDER_** written across it in big letters.

* * *

The letter was prominently placed on his desk. Whoever had placed it there meant for Fraser to see it immediately. Everyone knew something had happened between Ben and Phil, but Fraser never discussed his private life--especially not Phil. The letters had abruptly stopped around the first of the year. Fraser had become even more aloof than usual, even more so than after that business with the female bank robber he'd captured. Something must have happened between Ben and the woman they all remembered from this past summer. Ben's silence been attributed to the lack of letters and the rift this signified. Each man in his own way placed a lot of hope on this letter.

Each man watched Fraser's desk as he returned from the errand that had taken him away from the post for the biggest part of the day. They watched Fraser sit at his desk, noticed the way the color fled his face as he spotted the letter. They saw his hands shake as he lifted it to his nose and inhaled deeply. They watched as it fell to the desk from his trembling fingers. They saw him bury his face in his hands. They watched him reach for a pen and scribble something across it. They watched him walk past their desks with a haunted look in his eyes and place the letter in the outgoing basket. He continued on out the door and did not return that day. The men shared glances of puzzlement and confusion. Finally, Fielding retrieved the letter from the basket. Marked prominently across the front was **_RETURN TO SENDER._**

* * *

November 1986

**__**

Fraser,

This is the last letter I will ever write you. I pray that you will read this one. I'm sending it registered mail.

You refused to read the letter where I shared my wonderful news with you. So, you never knew you were going to be a father. You also returned the letter announcing the birth of our daughter unopened.

Now I'm writing to tell you of the great loss we have experienced. You know, I even tried calling you again with no luck. I'm sorry, but this is the only way that maybe you will get this news. Our precious daughter died a week ago. SIDS--sudden infant death syndrome--they can't really tell me why she died. All I know is she’s gone and that part of me that didn't die when you left me died with her. I pity you. At least I have her sweet baby memories to recall. You don't even have that. I'm enclosing some of the last pictures I took of Lindy. Maybe you'll realize just what it is you discarded like trash when you turned your back on me.

Yes, I've become bitter and cynical. Can you blame me? I gave you my heart, but only after your assurances that nothing would tear us apart. You lied to me. Did you marry Victoria, or are you giving her the same run around you gave me?

God, I pray that I never see you again. They say there's a fine line separating love from hate. Well, I've crossed that line! If Lindy had lived maybe things would be different. But she's gone!

I pray that someday I will have the strength to forgive you for what you have done to me. Until then, all I can say is I hate you, Benton Fraser and I never, ever want to see you again!

Dr. Philippe H.S. McKenzie

* * *

Phil laughed when the letter was returned to her. Naturally, why should this one be any different? He had refused her love, now he had refused her hate. She continued to laugh until the laughs turned to sobs. She realized that deep in her heart she still loved him, even after all that had happened. She had promised to love him forever and she always kept her promises.

* * *

March 1987

Phil stretched and wandered over to the patio door. The snow was falling lightly and the wind whipped it into tiny tornadoes that rotated across the deck before dying. She turned to the stereo and listened to the Beatles tape playing. _Yesterday_ drifted to her ears. Somehow it seemed to echo the emotions struggling inside of her.

"That's what I need to do. Put all my troubles into yesterday. I've got to put Ben behind me and go on. If TJ can survive Noelle's death, I can survive this." Phil

debated for a few minutes and then decided on a course of action. She hurried to her home office and emptied a file box that had held odds and ends of research materials. 

__

'This is exactly what I need!' she thought as she carried the file box back upstairs to the great room. Phil paused and critically scanned the area. Her gaze fell on the fireplace and the pen-and-ink drawing that had hung there for several years. It was a mountain scene: boulder field in the foreground, waterfalls crashing over cliffs in the background. Phil gently touched a finger to the tiny figure in a Stetson hat sliding over a cliff. Her finger moved to the inscription: **_Thunder Basin--you saved my life--I lost my heart--Ben._**

"Too bad it didn't stay lost," she thought. Carefully, she placed the etching in the box. Moving to the fireplace again and then to the piano, she removed each and every photo she had taken of Ben. These too, went into the box. 

__

'I don't need your pictures to remind me of just what I miss, T. Your image is engraved on my heart. How could I ever forget what a part of me looks like. I just don't need these pictures as a constant reminder of what I've lost.' Her hands lingered over the few pictures she had of Lindy. No, she would never relegate Lindy's memory to a box. 

She looked around the room again. **Those** had to go. Phil carefully wrapped the pair of crystal hummingbirds in a tea towel and placed them in the box. The columbine watercolor followed the hummingbirds. Both objects had been gifts from Ben.

She wandered into the kitchen. No, even though memories of the times they spent cooking together crowded in there were no visible reminders of Ben. She grabbed the file box and headed downstairs. As she moved down the stairwell she snagged a plaque hanging on the wall. She and Ben had won first place in a talent contest singing a duet. That definitely had to go.

Phil stood in front of a door that had not been opened in several months. She leaned her forehead against it and drew in a ragged breath of air. She silently mourned for the tiny life that no longer lived in the room behind the door. Squaring her shoulders, she clamped her lips together and turned the knob. The room was unchanged from the last time Phil had entered the room to find her daughter cold and lifeless in the crib--a crib decorated in green with tiny squirrels, birds, and bear cubs.

Phil turned tear-blinded eyes from the crib and scrutinized the room. The picture of Ben hanging on the wall was the first victim of Phil's clearing. She reached into the now empty crib and removed the stuffed wolf and the Mountie doll. TJ had found the Mountie doll on a trip to Ottawa and the stuffed wolf had mysteriously appeared after Rob had taken a trip to Seattle. Phil removed the Canadian flag that occupied center position over the crib. Tears rolled down her face as she removed these small reminders of Lindy's father and placed them in the box. Before she closed the door to the room, Phil opened the closet and removed a miniature Stetson hat she had bought. It had looked adorable on Lindy's sandy brown hair. She had looked so much like Ben that Phil had put it away. It hurt too much to see Lindy wear it. The hat went into the box with the other reminders of Ben. Blinded by her tears, Phil stumbled from the room and closed the door. She leaned against it and wept for her lost daughter.

Phil wiped her face with the back of her hand. She **had** to finish this job. If she didn't do it now, it might never get done. She didn't know how much longer her resolve would hold her to this task. She had to do it while she felt like it. She moved to the door of her bedroom. _‘I need to get rid of that bed,’_ she thought remembering the evening Ben had proposed to her and the night they had spent in each other's arms. She placed the file box on the bed. The picture on the bedside table went into the box. She then dug through her dresser and pulled out Ben's worn black T-shirt with the RCMP insignia on the front and threw it on the bed. The porcelain columbines were carefully wrapped in the T-shirt then they, too, went into the box.

Finally Phil stood in front of her dresser. She dreaded this job almost as much as she had dreaded Lindy's room. She closed her eyes and knelt down and pulled out the bottom drawer. Inside lay all the letters Ben had written her. The RCMP stationery mocked her. Conspicuous among them were the three unopened letters she had sent him. Her hands reached for the letters, caressing each one. They had been read and reread many times and were slightly the worse for wear. She resisted the urge to read them one last time and placed them in the box. She placed the letters that had been returned unopened to her in there, too.

Phil took one last tour of her house looking for anything that was a reminder of Ben and the love they had shared. Satisfied that she had removed all reminders of him, she closed the box and stared at it. How strange it was to realize that all her hopes, her love, her dreams of happiness could be contained in a single small file box. Her hand trembled as she reached for it. Clinching her fist, she brought her hand to her mouth. She closed her eyes and absent-mindedly drew the ring from beneath her shirt. She clasped it in her hand, rubbing the smooth sleekness of the plain gold band. She took several deep breaths before opening her eyes. Digging through one of the drawers in her dresser, she found a small velvet jewelry bag. She slowly removed the ring and the chain from around her neck and placed it in the bag. She opened the box and placed it inside. Only after closing the box once more did she let the feelings of loss and desolation overwhelm her. She slid to the floor and buried her face in her hands and cried. She cried for her lost love, for the emptiness in her life, for the Ben-shaped hole in her soul. She cried for Lindy and for all that Lindy's father had missed. But, mostly, she cried because there was nothing else she could do.

Long after the sobs had subsided and the hiccups had stilled, Phil sat on the floor. She watched dusk approach and the night settle in. Finally, she picked herself up and carried the file box to the spare bedroom and pushed it to the farthest reaches of the closet. From now on, she would pour all her love for Ben into that box until there was no more love. Then she could get rid of the box and all it contained.

The evening dragged by and Phil decided on an early night. She showered, ever conscious of the missing ring. She tried to read a bit, but the stress of the day had produced a headache and she found her thoughts wandering from the book. Tossing it aside, she stretched and climbed to her feet, and went in search of some aspirin. Maybe she could stop the headache before it turned into a migraine. She put a kettle of water on for some hot chocolate and soon stood at the patio door and gazed across the meadow bathed in pale moonlight. Infinite sadness clouded her thoughts and she absentmindedly drank her chocolate and caught herself reaching for the absent ring.

She rinsed the cup, checked the locks, and headed downstairs to her bedroom. Opening the blinds to allow the moonlight to cast its eerie glow into the room, she pulled the covers down, and crawled in between the sheets. Turning off the lamp, she lay there willing sleep to come, but it eluded her. She turned on her side and stared out the window. Where was Ben now? What was he doing? Did he ever think of her? Before Ben entered her life she hadn't known the true extent of happiness or the true depths of sadness. He had shown her so much. She just wished he hadn't shown her how to love. She could have lived without knowing that.

She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Once, a long time ago, she had been able to see his face in the plaster. She snorted...how could she have been so gullible? Still...she longed for the security she had felt when held in his arms. Why did her mind insist on longing for the unattainable? Why couldn't she drift off into the oblivion of sleep? Why did her mind continue to dredge up his memories? Hadn't he hurt her enough? 

Unable to stand it any longer, Phil threw off the covers and guiltily shuffled to the spare bedroom and dug the file box out of the closet. Opening it, she retrieved the chain and ring and placed it back around her neck. _'I made a promise to you Ben, when you gave this to me. Just because you broke your word doesn't mean I will. I promised to wear this until you placed it on my finger and I **will** continue to wear it.'_

Phil placed the box back in the closet and returned to her bed. She rolled on her side and imagined how it had felt when Ben was there to spoon next to her. She fell asleep with the ring clutched in one hand.

* * *

Far to the north, another person also found it difficult to sleep. He tossed and turned as his mind refused to obey his commands to forget Phil. Each time he pictured Victoria, his mind slowly transformed the features from the sharpness of Victoria to the gentleness of Phil. Victoria's clear and precise voice deepened and became husky. He could recite word for word the poem Victoria had repeated over and over as they huddled together.

__

I caught this morning morning's minion, king-

dom of daylight's dauphin, dapple-dawn drawn

Falcon, in his riding

Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and

striding

High there, how he rung upon the rein of a whimpling

wing

In his ecstasy!...

(from Windhover--Gerald Manley Hopkins)

 

Yet happy we lived and happy we loved,

And happy we died once more;

Our forms were rolled in the clinging mold

Of a Neocomian shore.

The eons came and the eons fled

And the sleep that wrapped us fast

Was riven away in a newer day

And the night of death was past....

(from Evolution--Langdon Smith)

Ben shook his head. Even that wildly beautiful _Windhover_ poem Victoria had recited modulated into that silly _Evolution_ poem Phil liked. He closed his eyes, again calling up memories of Victoria. What did her hair smell like? He could easily recall the clean, lavender scent of Phil's hair. Where Victoria had been all winter ice and snow, brittle and cold; Phil was summer sunlight and columbines, soft and warm. Victoria pleading with him mocked the genuine laughter Phil had shared with him.

__

'What have I done?' he asked himself. _'What have I truly done?'_

* * *

June 1988

**__**

Dear Benton,

I don't know why I'm writing this letter to you. It has been so long since I've done this that I don't know how to start or even what to say. The fact is I don't even know where you are so this letter will never be posted. I'll just put it in the box with the others that you never read. What's one more?

Phil paused and looked around. She sat on a toppled log near the brink of Phil's Falls. She had made her first trip this year to the Falls to face her slope. Memories of Ben intruded on her thoughts and she realized that the hate that had strangled her for so long was gone. In its place settled a sad resignation.

She laid the logbook aside, stood and walked to the edge and stared over it. The thundering of the waterfalls in the distance soothed her sorrowful memories. With her eyes, she searched for the exact spot where Ben had slid over the edge. She carefully picked her way through the rocks on the edge and sat down at that spot. 

The view was spectacular. Directly across from her Spirit and Crystal Falls dashed their waters into the valley below. To her right Cleft Falls spilled over the precipice she was seated on. Further down the valley she could see Thunder Cascade adding to the din of the other falls. She loved this spot. It was her 'paradise.' She had only shared it with her brothers and Ben. She sat there for a few minutes more raising her face to feel the warmth of the sun. She remembered the time she had returned with Ben and they had sat at this spot together. Sighing, she stood and made her way back to the tree.

**__**

I'm here in Thunder Basin, siting on the brink of the Falls. I can't help but think of you. What happened Ben? I still hurt from your rejection. I loved you so much and I thought you felt the same. What went wrong? Was it something I did?

I said some unkind things in my last letter. I apologize for them. They were said in the heat of my sorrow and anger. The years since then have shown me that you were not at fault. I blamed you to ease my hurting. I'm sorry for that. I do wish you had had a chance to know our daughter. The pain of her loss still lives with me.

Phil stopped as tears clouded her vision. _'Damn, I thought contacts would help. Well, at least I'm not fogging my glasses and I certainly don't have to worry about losing them.'_

She laughed then addressed the absent Mountie, "Ben, I never told you about that last pair of glasses of mine. Do you remember? You put them in your tunic for safe keeping, and then I..." She shook her head, "...I sat on them and broke them. That's three pairs of glasses in less than a year. I decided that if I was going to hang around you, the glasses had to go. So, voila, contacts." She exhaled slowly. "You never knew. There's so much you never knew," she whispered.

Returning to her logbook, she half-heartedly smiled. "I'm definitely going to have to get a new logbook. There's no way that this one is going into the files." 

What had possessed her to begin a letter to Ben? She had had no paper, only her Rocky Mountain Rescue logbook. It seemed that her hands moved of their own volition and had started the letter. No matter, she would simply tear out the pages. But, there were still things that she wanted to write.

**__**

I needed to write out these feelings. I don't hate you, Ben. I never have. I have come to the realization that we just weren't meant to be, as much as others tell me different. Our paths just crossed at the wrong place and time.

I forgive you for not loving me as much as I loved you. Please forgive me for expecting more from you. I should have known that I could never capture your heart. I told you that several times. I should have listened to myself and not become involved with you. You would have been gone in a few months and my life would have gone back to what it was before. Unexciting, monotonous, but not filled with the despair I have known.

I'm sorry, Ben. I didn't mean to be gloomy in this letter. I just wanted to say that I hope you and Victoria are happy together. Maybe someday we will meet again. If we do, I hope I can face you and say that I miss our friendship and not let you know how much I still love you.

In the meantime I am doing my best not to crawl back into my shell. It's hard. I meet men that want to get to know e better, but I hesitate. I compare them with you and they come up lacking. I pray that someday I can find someone to replace you in my heart. Until then, I will continue to wear your ring next to my heart. When I find that man I will finally feel free to remove it. 

I promised you that I would never take it off until you placed it on my finger. Since that seems unlikely now, I will let that unknown man in my future do it. Until then your ring reminds me that love does exist and someday I will find it again.

Thunder Basin hasn't changed. The scree slope is still as bad as it was so many years ago. I no longer fear it like I did. In fact sometimes I feel like letting the slope carry me over the brink and ending my hurt. But, I realize that that is not the solution and I know I will never give into that desire.

Still, the thought of life without you fills me with such despair that it chokes me and I don't know what to do or where to turn. My brothers stand by me in everything but only TJ really knows what I feel. He still mourns the loss of Noelle and Lindy. Rob has married a great woman. She's a schoolteacher. They are expected their own child in November. My heart fills with happiness for him, but TJ and I share the pain of lost loves. We comfort each other for our losses.

Why do I still come up here? I don't know. I no longer fear that slope. I guess I come for you. You never did have the chance to come back up here and face the slope until your fears were gone. I guess I've been coming here in your place. I'll face your fears for you. I feel close to you here. I can almost touch you...look into your eyes and see love shining in them. I shall cherish my memories of your love as long as I live. I truly hope you are happy wherever you are.

Love always---Phil

Phil tore the pages out of her logbook, folded them, and stuffed them into the pocket of her shirt. The logbook went back into the backpack and she stood, reached for the rope, took a deep breath, and began the ascent to the top of the scree slope.

To Be Continued (?)

Copyright February 1997 SL Haas

Revised June 1999

Comments are welcome at 

durango@ionet.net

Fraser’s Secret

(Book 1)

  1. On a Collision Course
  2. Nocturnal Duet
  3. Jumping to Conclusions
  4. "In the Kiss of One Girl"
  5. Real Conversations
  6. Icnites, Montmorillonite, and Bentonite, Oh My!
  7. An Acquired Taste
  8. "…a Dish Best Served Cold"
  9. Like Thunder When It Rains
  10. Steppingstones
  11. The First Consciousness
  12. An Answered Dream
  13. Since We Parted
  14. The Fine Line That Separates
  15. Moments of Regret
  16. Benton's Secret



 

 


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